Not every married person deserves to have a happy marriage. It does not matter how much the person hopes and prays for it. A happy marriage does not happen by chance. It is worked for. It takes years and years of sacrifice, denial, tolerance, understanding, endurance, and selflessness. Marriage is like farming: You reap what you sow.
On the surface, everybody wants a happy marriage. But it is one thing to wish and another thing to realise what has been wished or hoped for. With their lips many people say they want a happy marriage, but with their own hands they work for a turbulent marriage. Life does not reward wishes; life rewards actions.
The basic law of marriage is: Do unto your spouse as you want your spouse to do unto you. It is very simple, yet very difficult for many to achieve.
If you love respect, please respect your partner. If you love to be spoken to gently, speak gently to your spouse. If you need attention, give attention to your spouse. If you need to be consulted before your partner takes a decision, consult your spouse before you take a decision. If you want your partner to be home before dark, return home before dark. If you hate to see your partner at a restaurant at night drinking, don’t stay late drinking. If you hate unfaithfulness, don’t be unfaithful. If you hate excuses when you need lovemaking, don’t give excuses when your spouse needs lovemaking. If you like to be apologised to when you are wronged, then apologise when you wrong your spouse.
As simple as this sounds, it is extremely difficult for many people to do because many have outdated ideas about marriage. Many think only about their happiness and welfare. As the English would say, many want to have their cake and eat it.
Times have changed marriages. What occurred in the distant past between our grandfathers and grandmothers was not marriage in the true sense of the word but domination of a woman by a man. Then marriage was all about making the man happy. The desires of the woman were secondary or even non-existent.
Young women were groomed on how to satisfy the needs of the man – sexual, culinary, emotional, physical. Today, the concept of marriage has changed tremendously. Marriage has become a union of two people who prefer to see themselves as partners with mutual respect and a desire to make each other happy.
Consequently, men and women now need to be groomed on how to mutually satisfy the needs of each other in marriage. It is the inability to adapt to this new image of marriage that causes marital friction, unhappiness, fights, separation, and divorce. Those who still live in the past of what marriage used to be may have what looks like a happy marriage for a while, but such marriages eventually break down or become bland.
In effect, if you want a happy marriage, work for a happy marriage. A woman who disrespects her husband through her words and actions but prays and fasts for weeks on end should not expect to have a happy marriage. It can never be. Similarly, a man who treats his wife like a foot mat but spends weeks on top of the mountain praying for a happy marriage can never have a happy marriage. They can have a cold marriage that is assumed to be calm and happy by the ignorant public, but they can never have a happy marriage.
A man who does only what he wants because he is “the man” is joking with his marriage. A woman who oversteps her bounds in the name of modernity and feminism by turning her home into a home of contests between man and woman is toying with her marriage.
Nobody sows yam and reaps cocoa yam. Anybody who does that is a thief. It is the same with people who simply reap what they sow in marriage.
There may be exceptional cases where a good man or woman falls into the hands of an exploiter who pays good with evil. That is why courtship is critical. No matter how hard people try, they cannot hide their traits for a year or two. Once in a while, especially at moments of anger, they will let down their guard and reveal these traits, even if mildly. If your eyes are open or you are not blinded by desperation to marry, you will see these traits peep out of the facade.
When you see such a trait during courtship, please run for dear life. Don’t bank on changing the person. People get worse after marriage, not better. During courtship, they may make some effort “to change,” because of the fire of love or lust burning in them at that time. Their tolerance level will be high because they want to please their “sweetheart.” But after marriage, the fire starts to reduce in intensity. There is no point to prove anymore. So the man and the woman start to bring out their true colour. Quarrels increase, marriage deteriorates.
A happy marriage is not defined by outsiders. It is not determined by the smiles of couples at public functions on in the social media. It is not determined by the length of marriage.
It is not determined by the display of wealth, achievements, and affection. Only the two people in the marriage know if their marriage is truly a happy one, in spite of the views of the public.
Credit: Azuka Onwuka, Punch