Another lady also reached out to me and her message reads, “Let me just say that I am currently swimming in a pool of regret. Our mother died when I was less than 10 years old and that’s when I stepped into her shoes in the lives of my four younger siblings; three males and a female. For the better part of our dad’s life, he struggled economically, so we learned self-sufficiency early in life, especially through skill acquisition. Eventually, I left the village to join one of my younger brothers in the city. Every other person went in different directions in search of economic survival. I had no problems getting a job because of my skill and my brother and I began to put money together to sort out our living expenses and also send something home to our father. It was also in the city that I found love in the arms of a man from a West African country. He was an artisan. He showed me so much care and the type of dedication that I had never seen before in my life.
“When he asked me to marry him, I was thrilled. And I immediately contacted my siblings about the matter. Our father had died. Minus my sister (who was silent), the boys emphatically said NO to the idea of me marrying him. They claimed that my position (as the mother they have now) is a sensitive one and I needn’t go far from them in marriage. My man waited for me for about four years as I went back and forth on the matter with my siblings. I was heading to my late thirties at this time. I also remember you (Oby) asking if I kept another man in the cooler for marriage when I sought your advice.
“I went back to my brothers and their “you are the mother we have now” stories filled my ears again and I asked my guy to give me more time to think. He nodded and our relationship continued. Only for an offer for a better job to come his way from home and he accepted it and moved on. We do talk occasionally but it’s evident that he has moved on by the time a lot dawned on me. I lost my only sister to cancer, though. My brother and I did a lot with one mind but all that ended when he got married.
“I was thrown out of that house one day and I found myself living in church for weeks before I rented my own apartment. How I didn’t see “everyone moving on with their lives” and do the same with mine still baffles me till this day. “
This is the mistake I think most “eldest daughters” make. Somehow, your own life is put on hold for others to pick up but they pick up and move on with their lives. And it begins to feel like you have been left behind.
To the ladies that go as far as “using their body” to sponsor family, let me tell you that certain choices just don’t stop haunting your emotions. And it becomes difficult to build a WHOLESOME life afterwards, because your soul is scarred.
Certain damage that we carry around makes it impossible to have a healthy relationship with ourselves let alone with another person! It’s not like their lives will be put on hold because yours isn’t stable. They move on when it’s time and the feeling of being left behind is a difficult place for a woman to be in. From that singular feeling alone comes envy, bitterness, desperation, frustration and dissatisfaction with life, generally all of which water depression. LIVE WELL too, as you “carry” family.
Credit: Chukwuneta Oby, Punch
If you missed part I of this essay, read it here: Their Pain Is Real (I), By Chukwuneta Oby