Permit me to say that I eavesdropped on some group of friends while in deep conversation about sex. Ideally, it is improper and unaccepted to eavesdrop on people’s conversation at whatever level, but I was tempted because the topic these people were deliberating upon happens to be my area of deep interest and also my field of specialisation. And amazingly I was caught in the web and I had to get fully involved in the conversation in order to help unravel some secrets and shed more light on the subject. The topic of their conversation is that ‘it is impossible to enjoy an enviable sex all through the marriage life, that in one way or the other, there will either be loss of interest or infidelity.’ However, I beg to disagree based on the points we shall be looking into, so have a joyful reading moment:
One of the topmost tools in enjoying life is all about creating a proper atmosphere for things, sex inclusive.
Most times, couples have the knowledge of what a beautiful good sex should be, they even know precisely what they want out of sex, but they seek for such under unhealthy, unacceptable and unfriendly atmosphere.
When couples create good communication skill in their relationship, an atmosphere which takes sex from one ordinary level to a fantastic, incredible, uplifting and relaxing level instantly emerges.
Good communication between a couple is a pretty complicated thing. Everyone seems to understand what communication is per se, yet few people are really good at it. But it is obvious that ‘two monologues do not make a dialogue’.
Communication is defined as the dynamic process through which people try to convey meaning to one another. Communication often has less to do with the words you use and more to do with their underlying meaning. In communication, it’s not what you say that is important; it’s how you say it.
Communicating correctly, using nice words to make your spouse feel that you care about them helps you both to reconnect to your inner feelings of spontaneous affection, and ensure the process of bonding. Simple sentences like, “You’re gorgeous”, “You get prettier every day”, “I love talking to you”, “sex with you the other day was breathtaking, how did you come about that?” “Last night sex was fabulous, delicately special, thank you. My marriage to you made my life better”, etc., help you cultivate the quality of unrestrained affection and kindness, but words are not all there is when it comes to communication in a relationship.
The way you communicate influences how close and intimate you get with your partner. You might think that you’re doing plenty of talking, but the question is, are you doing it the right way or at the right moment? Your spouse is watching and more affected by your facial expression, your body language and movement and the tone of your voice “like my mother would rightly say ‘speak when you are angry- and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.”
Married couples must learn how to be empathetic with speech. Basically, this means to see things from your partner’s perspective also. Research has shown that 90 per cent of our struggles in relationships would be resolved if we sometimes did nothing more than see problems from our partner’s perspective, especially on sexual ground. Many husbands feel that when they are ready and in the mood for sex, their wives must obey the last command. Well, even at that, there are ways such could be communicated wisely putting the interest of the wife in view.
The same is applicable to wives; you cannot always insist sex must and should be the way you want it at all times. A level of careful compromising consideration always creates a blazing, abounding, glowing, accordant, stimulating, tantalising and tasty passionate sex. Empathy is the heart of loving. If your partner feels that you understand them and that you are willing to work each issue as a team, they will feel safer and more secure when sharing things with you. Spouses that naturally ignore sexual advances will be the ones asking and demanding for regular and passionate sex.
Be a good listener. Listening is the language of love. If you’ll do more listening and less lecturing, you’ll be more productive as far as healthy communication is concerned. After all, we have two ears and just one mouth for a pretty good reason. So, whenever you feel like interrupting your partner in order to say what you think, stop and just listen till the end, it does not cost you anything. It just makes you more mature and sensitive. The conversation will run better this way and you’ll end up getting along better.
Sex after such conversation is always unselfish, arousing, sensual, interesting, edifying rapturous, and climaxing, affirming and uninhibitedly passionate. I know that it is not easy, especially when you think you have the right answer and if you’d just let it out in the open, the whole problem will go away, but it’s the most constructive thing to do if you want to build trust and intimacy in your marriage. If you want to know specifically how to be a good listener, make up your mind to be a sincere listener who wants to listen to his or her spouse’s point of view by all means at all cost.
Be willing to accept their feelings and emotions, whether you consider them wrong or not. Don’t always want to be right; be willing to develop a non-judgmental attitude. Make eye contact, give undivided attention and rely on the soothing powers of touch. Mere touching sends unspoken ecstatic, erotic and scrumptious sexual signals. Show appreciation of the fact that they trust you with their confidence, then don’t only listen, but be supportive all the way, for as long as they need you.
Then when you are sure you have won your partner’s heart, trust and confidence, then express your expectations. If you’re not telling your partner what exactly you want from them, how are they going to know? They are not mind readers; don’t expect your partner to just “get it” and behave like you’d want them to behave. Be specific about your expectations; tell them exactly what you are looking for. Clarity and honesty is ‘key’ when it comes to good communication. If you are courageous enough to speak the truth, you might be surprised about the positive outcome of your act.
The only sin passion can commit is to be joyless; joy is what distinguishes pure carnal sex from a loving, intimate bonding between two married lovers. Touching, caressing, holding and kissing in a joyful manner are as important to lovemaking as the act of intercourse.
Joyful sex is all about fully experiencing all of our senses, not just sensations in our genitals. Many parts of the body are sensual and can contribute to couples’ enjoyment. Although there is a great enjoyment in the orgasmic experience, couples might be missing out on other sources of enjoyment by not showing interest in giving pleasure to themselves and their partners.
I am sure you are enjoying this piece as I am. Well watch out for part two and until then, I remain your bedroom instructor.
Credit: Funmi Akingbade, Punch