Kaka: Did I not tell you that the judiciary alone can bring down this democracy?
Koko: No, I don’t remember you telling me any such thing. All I now is you do not like lawyers. I did not realize that the disaffection was extended to judges.
Kaka: So, there is a difference between lawyers and judges, ehn? Did they not all read law in the university?
Koko: Have not heard of the bar and the bench?
Kaka: And have you not heard of the difference between six and half a dozen? It is the same difference.
Koko: So, now you are angry with both the bar and the bench?
Kaka: Not all of them, just some of them. I have always found it difficult to understand how two lawyers can quote from the same section of the same constitution and still come up with two different interpretations. And two judges will grant two different injunctions or orders on the same case on the same day.
Koko: That is why you have a degree in English not law. These things are too complicated for a mere mortal like you and you should stop trying to overreach yourself. Is this about the coup against judges?
Kaka: It is more than a coup. It is a national embarrassment. How can our judges descend so low?
Koko: What the heck are you talking about? It is not those judges who descended so low, it is this government and the DSS.
Kaka: I hope you are ready to leave town on the next available night bus. You do not talk about the DSS like that. Those are patriotic security man trying to secure our national dignity.
Koko: By chasing old justices under their beds and into the roofs of their houses?
Kaka: They were all found in their beds, not under the beds and none was chased into the roof. That’s why DSS went in the dead of the night.
Koko: To ensure they were caught pants down.
Kaka: Not pants down, with their pyjamas on, that’s all.
Koko: That is the whole point. It is absolutely unfair and uncivilized to do that to old men, judges and justices. They deserve more respect. Descent people do not haul judges out of their beds straight into waiting Hilux vans at 1 a.m.
Kaka: Really? What do decent people do to judges who take bribes, give them extra duvet at night? Are you being serious right now?
Koko: Were you there when they were taking the bribe? Can you swear with your little finger that they took bribes? You obviously don’t know the difference between a suspect and a convicted criminal.
Kaka: At least we are getting somewhere. You have admitted that the judges are suspects.
Koko: Well, that’s what your cousins in the DSS said. That’s why they stayed up all night to retrieve husbands from the bosoms of their wives.
Kaka: I’m sure they were allowed to finish whatever they were doing before the boys got through the door, after all the report we all got was that DSS broke down doors and scaled fences.
Koko: You think this is funny?
Kaka: Am I laughing?
Koko: Do you know anybody who can finish whatever he was doing to his wife when DSS is breaking down his doors? The poor old judges could have suffered heart attacks…
Kaka: They didn’t, thank God. Now all they have to do is explain the source or sources of their stupendous wealth.
Koko: What wealth? These are salary earners who went to work and diligently served their fatherland all these years.
Kaka: Eh eh eh, how many civil servants do you know with 15 cars, 15 cars o?
Koko: Who counted the cars?
Kaka: Are you saying DSS men cannot count?
Koko: I’m saying the fact that you find 15 cars in my compound does not mean that all the cars mine. My brother could have parked to of his own in my compound for safety or because he was travelling.
Kaka: You have a point there. Perhaps the Rolls Royce they found in one of the judges’ home even belonged to a rental company. Maybe it was even parked there for use by the bridal party for a forthcoming wedding. But what about the palatial homes? Did somebody also park their smaller houses in the judges’ compound? Or maybe a neighbor or cousin kept a few rooms in his house in the judges’ homes for security reason, right?
Koko: Some people are so poor that any house bigger than a room-and-parlour looks like a big house to them. Hat is the definition of a palatial home? If I built a house on three plots of land, you will call it sprawling home, you Kaka. Why should a man work for 30 years and not have a good house? Why are you people fixated on poverty? These are men who have managed their earnings well and probably make killings on the stock exchange.
Kaka: Sonpongelete o! Koko, when last did anybody make any money from the stock exchange since everything went belly up? Are you sure you have not been paid to do image laundering for some people?
Koko: And who is paying you to destroy hard-earned reputation of judges? They just want to destroy the careers of these men. They have children, grandchildren, wives, people who look up to them. What the DSS did was so unfair. They could easily have invited them to clarify the issues.
Kaka: I’m finally sure you have been settled. What do you think would have happened to the hard evidence that were discovered in the closets of the judges – the rupees, dirham, dollars, euros and pounds? The evidence would have evaporated. Ho doesn’t know that there is no magic to making fried meat disappear in the mouth.
Koko: Did it not occur to you that the rupees came from their trips to India for medical check-up? Who pays bribe in Rupees?
Kaka: I’m sure you have explanations for all the other foreign currencies and the reasons why they preferred to bank them under their beds instead of in the banks.
Koko: Is there a law that dictates where I can keep my money? Why can’t the judges keep their money at home where there is no queue, no network failure or BVN hassles? Did one top gun in the armed forces not keep his money in the soak-away? Why did your DSS cousins go in the night? It is disrespectful and suspicious.
Kaka: They should be happy that it happened in the night and not on Christmas day.
Koko: Whaaat? That would be unholy rascality in high places.
Kaka: And they were not put in handcuffs. Remember a former IGP was dragged on the ground in the open.
Koko: Imagine these judges in the dock, in the same courts where they were once addressed as ‘your honour’ ‘your lordship’. It is so demeaning. This is the desecration and demystification of the judiciary. We cannot demystify everywhere and everyone. It will demystify all of us.
Credit: Funke Egbemode, The Sun