It is the joy of every parent to raise kids with flexible, resilient, and intelligent brains. Kids who perform below such expectations are usually a source of worry to their parents.
But, according to a neuroscientist-cum-psychologist at the Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital in the United States, Lisa Barrett, how smart a child is majorly depends on the parents and not the kid per se.
“A child’s brain is not a miniature adult brain. It is a brain born under construction that wires itself to the world. And it’s up to parents to create a world – both physical and social – that is rich with wiring instructions,” Barrett writes on cnbc.com.
The psychologist and others provide the following parenting rules to raise smart children. The experts note that the tips are based on years of research in neuroscience and psychology.
Be a gardener, not a carpenter
Barrett recommends adopting the “gardener approach” rather than the “carpenter approach” when raising children.
She says, “Carpenters carve wood into the shape they want. Gardeners help things to grow on their own by cultivating a fertile landscape. Likewise, parents can sculpt their child into something specific, say, a concert violinist. Or they can provide an environment that encourages healthy growth in whatever direction the child takes.
“You might want your kid to play the violin in Symphony Hall someday, but forcing them to take lessons (the carpenter approach) might build a virtuoso or a kid who views music as an unpleasant chore.
“The gardener approach would be to sprinkle a variety of musical opportunities around the home and see which ones spark your child’s interest. Do they love to bang on pots and pans? Maybe your child is a budding heavy metal drummer.”
Barrett adds that “once you understand what kind of ‘plant’ you’re growing, you can ‘adjust the soil’ for it to take root and flourish.”
Talk and read to your child a lot
According to Barrett, research shows that even when children are just a few months old and don’t understand the meanings of words, their brains still make use of them.
The psychologist notes that this builds a neural foundation for later learning and that the more words they hear, the greater the effect. She adds that they will also have better vocabulary and reading comprehension.
She says, “Teaching them ‘emotion words’ (i.e., sad, happy, frustrated) is especially beneficial. The more they know, the more flexibly they can act.
“Put this advice into action by elaborating on the feelings of other people. Talk about what causes emotions and how they might affect someone: ‘See that crying boy? He is feeling pain from falling down and scraping his knee. He is sad and probably wants a hug from his parents.’
“Think of yourself as your children’s tour guide through the mysterious world of humans and their movements and sounds.”
Explain things to them
Although it can be exhausting when your child is constantly asking, “Why?” But when you explain something to them, you’ve taken something new and novel from the world and made it predictable.
Barrett says to avoid answering “why” questions with, “Because I said so” – noting that children who understand the reasons to behave in a particular way can more effectively regulate their actions.
She says, “If all they know is, ‘I shouldn’t eat all the cookies because an authority figure told me so, and I’ll get in trouble,’ that reasoning may not help when parents aren’t present.
“It’s better if they understand, ‘I shouldn’t eat all the cookies because I’ll get a stomachache, and my brother and sister will be disappointed at missing dessert.’ This reasoning helps them understand the consequences of their actions and fosters empathy.”
Help your children to copy you
Have you noticed how some tasks that seem like work to you (i.e., cleaning the house or weeding a garden) can be a play to a child? Barrett notes that children learn naturally by watching, playing, and most of all, by copying adults.
“It’s an efficient way to learn, and it gives them a sense of mastery. So hand them a miniature broom or garden spade or a toy lawnmower and let the imitating begin,” she says.
Likewise, a US-based psychologist and writer Jenny Marchal, notes that when parents do intelligent things, their children will also do intelligent things.
“Kids pick up on all sorts of things, especially your own actions. Learning from adult behaviour is one of the major ways a child picks up habits and makes sense of the world. If your child sees you engaged in reading, writing, or anything creative, it will cause them to imitate you and become smarter in the process,” Marchal writes on lifehack.org.
Don’t overprotect them
In today’s age of fast-paced parenting, US-based child development expert Eric Dodge decries that many parents have difficulty allowing their kids to solve problems, but rather rush to fix challenges for them.
Also, drawing on a Harvard University study, a child expert and author Julie Lythcott-Haims argues that allowing kids to make mistakes and develop resilience and resourcefulness is critical in setting them up for success.
“This isn’t easy. We all need to walk a fine line between protecting our children and letting them tackle problems in order to learn from them,” she writes on time.com.
Similarly, Marchal says allowing one’s child to take risks and failing will teach them fundamental life skills from an early age.
She says, “Without experiencing failure early on, a child can develop low self-esteem and get discouraged from creating and learning for themselves. Fear is probably the number one emotion in our lives that can stop us from taking great actions. If we encourage our children to experience failure when they are small, the amount of fear they develop will lessen.
“Teaching a child that failure is not actually a bad thing is a great life skill that will allow them to make smart decisions and learn from life’s ups and downs. At the end of the day, children need to feel emotions to understand them and protecting your child from them will only stunt their ability to adapt and make sense of the world.”
Regulate their screen time
According to Lythcott-Haims, too much screen time has been linked to childhood obesity, irregular sleep patterns, and behavioural issues.
In addition, a 2017 study by researchers at the University of Montreal in Canada revealed that playing “shooter” games can damage the brain, causing it to lose cells.
So what can we do about the ever-so-helpful digital babysitter that so many of us rely on?
According to the American Academy of Paediatrics, entertainment “screen time” should be limited to two hours a day.
“Another helpful idea: encourage your children to become content creators rather than passive consumers. Encourage them to learn computer programming, 3D modelling, or digital music production and turn screen time into a productive endeavour,” says Lythcott-Haims.
Additionally, rather than screen time, Dodge advises teaching children social skills.
He cites a 20-year study by researchers at Pennsylvania State and Duke University showing a positive correlation between children’s social skills in kindergarten and their success in early adulthood.
“Teaching your kids how to resolve issues with friends, share their belongings, listen without interrupting, and help others in the home is a great place to start,” advises Dodge.
Spend less time praising their looks
Experts advise not to spend too much time praising children’s innate qualities such as intelligence or looks. Some of those non-rewarding remarks are: ‘Wow, you got an A without even studying? You are so smart!’
A Stanford University study shows that praising children with statements like the one above, which focuses on their intelligence, can actually lead to underperformance.
As an alternative parenting strategy, parents are encouraged to offer praise that focuses on the effort kids expend to overcome problems and challenges by demonstrating grit, persistence, and determination.
Strive for a peaceful, loving home
Several studies have shown that children in high-conflict families tend to fare worse than children of parents that get along. Hence, creating a loving, supportive environment is a staple of healthy and productive offspring.
In her own analysis at the local level, a Lagos-based counsellor, Mrs Funmi Oladeji, tells Punch: “It’s important for parents not to quarrel especially in their children’s presence. But should it happen, the parents should resolve it in their children’s presence. This creates a sort of impression in the minds of the children that even when there is a misunderstanding, their parents always resolve it.
“So if they offend someone too, they will likely apologise. Reconciliation and resolution are important attributes to possess in a home where a child is being raised.”
Don’t be too hard or too soft
Diana Baumrind, in her groundbreaking 1966 study, distinguished between authoritarian (very strict), permissive (very lenient), and authoritative (equally disciplined and loving) parents.
In short, authoritarian parents are too hard, permissive parents are too soft, and authoritative parents are just right.
“When a child models their authoritative parents, they learn emotion regulation skills and social understanding that are critical for success,” Dodge writes on inc.com.
Expose children (safely) to lots of people
Along with people that your kids may normally encounter – grandparents, aunts and uncles, friends, other kids – try to expose them to as much diversity as you can, especially when they are infants.
According to research, babies who interact regularly with speakers of different languages may retain critical brain wiring that helps them learn other languages in the future.
“Similarly, babies who see many diverse faces may wire themselves to better distinguish and remember a greater variety of faces in later life. This might be the simplest anti-racism step you can take as a parent,” writes Barrett.
Meanwhile, Dodge advises assigning chores to kids, saying it will help them to be smart.
He says, “There is a significant body of evidence that shows that chores are beneficial for childhood development. Yet, in a Braun Research poll, just 28 per cent of parents said they regularly assign chores to their kids. A University of Minnesota analysis of data found that the best predictor of success in young adulthood was whether children had performed chores as young as three or four.”
(Lisa Barrett, Harvard Medical School, CNBC)