I told you that I have cut a long story short, right? One of the things that I didn’t point out is the HARD life of an average single mother. There are different days in the life of a single mother but they are unlike your normal days of the week. There are days of unbridled tears; our pillows can testify to this! Self-pity. Unending self-blame about the past.
“Anger with the self. Unexplained bitterness. Anger with the world and the men that remind one of an ex. Aggression towards the child. Emotional exhaustion from parenting alone. Seasons your hope for love is up, when a new man waltzes into your life. And when that “love’’ doesn’t work out (failed love is CONSTANT in the life of most single mothers) that reality has its days too. And it’s worse than the other days.
“Of course, “not feeling good enough’’ for the man of your dreams and being tempted to settle for less, is a battle you fight DAILY to overcome.’’
From Oby
Dear single mothers,
Finding BALANCE in a reality that overwhelms one’s emotions is something that most single mothers grapple with. But there’s something that CAN bring this balance to your life.
No, it’s not what a man can give you. It’s more of a deliberate decision on your part. Circumstances may have made you “the mama and papa’’ to a child. But you don’t have to be ALL the child has.
I hear single mothers declare, “I am ALL my children have.’’ And I think it’s a wrong perception to plant in the psyche of a child.
It does NOT feed their hope! It plants uncertainty/fear of tomorrow in their minds, instead. You are NOT all that your children have. Life offers a SUPPORT SYSTEM at every challenging point in our lives. We either just don’t look around enough or are not open enough to receiving it.
Go out of your way to become friends with parents you admire their values. And encourage your child to spend time with such families. A single parent has to be DELIBERATE in raising their child (ren).
Expose them to the realities of balanced parenting. If you are raising a boy, find one or two male mentors (with sound values) for him. Encourage them to partake in social and religious organisations that channel their energy positively.
For their sake, ALSO nurture friendships out of your single mothers circle. Deliberately cultivate a certain balance in your child’s life. Encourage them to visit friends with ‘mummy and daddy’ just so they understand there’s another reality out there. And it’s a beautiful one.
Indirectly, such settings also prepare their emotions for “someone who might eventually become a daddy/mummy’’ to them if that’s in your destiny. And if not, that’s fine, too. Life will find other ways to fulfill you!
The most important thing is giving them a balanced upbringing. Without meaning to, single parents selfishly limit their children to their world. And it’s the reason many of these children become unreceptive and even begin to see whoever comes into your life as a rival/an intruder.
The unwholesome emotions (thanks to their unique challenges) that single mothers experience sometimes displace whatever balance they have. Please take your HEALING journey seriously. It’s a life-time commitment. Seek help. Go for counselling/therapy. Get self-help materials. Cultivate your own relationship with God.
Life is NOT unfair. It just happens to everyone differently.
Men are NOT scum, you can’t have a positive experience out of what you continually denigrate. Friends with husbands are not out to “pepper you.’’
If the presence of the other parent will be more of an advantage than a disadvantage in the life of a child, please set aside your pain and do it for the child. Even your past is a blessing and you will realise it later!
Credit: Chukwuneta Oby