Complicated season, By Funke Egbemode

Kaka: Koko, Koko, how many times did I call you?

Koko: Twice, what is the matter, are you testing your voice or my ear drums?

Kaka: I called you three times, not twice.

Koko: Everybody reading this page this minute knows that you called me twice. Why are you lying or is it that you can’t count?

Kaka: People reading this page did not hear my first call, so they cannot testify to what they did not witness. I know that I called you three times and you answered only once.

Koko: Ok ok, what exactly is it you want to tell me?

Kaka: That nothing is  what it seems. Two people can see the same thing in two different ways. That is why I called you three and you and your friends heard me twice.

Koko: That is true but sometimes people lie.

Kaka: Sometimes lies or what one person calls a lie can be relative.

Koko: That is debatable. It’s either you are lying or telling the truth.

Kaka: If I have a big party to celebrate the naming ceremony of my son and a politician gives me money, should I take the money or not?

Koko: Yes now. It is a gift. It is part of our culture. Nothing wrong with that.

Kaka: So, I do not need to ask him where he got the money from, how he makes his money?

Koko: Are you his pastor? If I give you money for your child’s naming ceremony and you ask me such a stupid question, I will pocket my money and walk out.

Kaka: And you probably won’t talk to me for one year.

Koko: I won’t talk to you for two years! That would be like accusing me of being a ritualist, like I’m giving your baby blood money.

Kaka: While in actual fact all I want to really know is if the money came from the National Security Adviser’s office or not…

Koko: Present NSA or the last one?

Kaka: You think it is ever going to be safe to accept even a wedding gift from any NSA, past, present or future?

Koko: Hmmmn, you have a point there. Even knowing where an NSA lives now can be indicting. I think we all should stay away from all NSAs because you never can tell what will happen when a new government gets to power.

Kaka: So, I should ask all those who are going to give my baby envelopes to first tell me if they know the present or past NSA?

Koko: I think you should, as discreetly as possible.

Kaka: What if he doesn’t know the NSA but knows someone who knows someone who knows the NSA?

Koko: That is complicated but these are complicated times and taking anything from a politician now can lead someone into a Black Maria.

Kaka: So I should not invite politicians to my party?

Koko: You are safer that way but if you must, then you have to submit their names for screening so we can keep away the politicians with links to the NSA’s office.

Kaka: What about those whose school fees are being paid by politicians who have links with the NSA’s office? Will they get into trouble too?

Koko: I think everybody who takes money from a politician for whatever purpose or reason should keep detailed records of all they got and what they used it for, where and when. It is important considering what has transpired in the last six months in our political space.

Kaka: But that was in the past. There is no arms deal currently that the current NSA is supervising.

Koko: How do you know that? Are you saying this administration will not buy arms? What if the government has set aside billions of naira to fund the search for the missing Chibok Girls and you accept a donation for charity from NSA’s office? Won’t your name or the name of your charity feature on the list of looters?

Koko: That will be Chibokgate, abi?

Kaka: Yes. It is important to be cautious in these matters.

Koko: May they find these poor girls soon. It’s really sad, you know? Anything can go missing in Nigeria.

Kaka: Imagine the budget getting missing? Did the document develop legs and walked back to the Villa or someone kidnapped it?

Koko: In Nigeria, it is difficult to tell when something goes missing or has been kidnapped.

Kaka: The most amusing part is the way missing things return or are returned in Nigeria. The budget just waka commot and waka back.

Koko: Do you remember the African Pride, the ship that went missing somehow some years ago?

Kaka: I remember that when it was eventually found (if it was missing) or released (if it was kidnapped), all the oil it was ferrying had somehow disappeared.

Koko: Only the solid content returned, liquid content never made it back. Awesome.

Kaka: My fear is that the way things get lost in this country, may an entire state  not go missing one day.

Koko: Amen but how is that possible? A state full of human beings and heavy buildings and roads with cars on them? Haba?

Kaka: In Nigeria, everything is possible o. What if a governor  suddenly announces that he cannot find his state, that it has fallen off the map?

Koko: We will bundle that governor off to a psychiatric hospital and ask for an executive suite for him.

Kaka: Oh no, you can’t do that. There is no precedence. When things get lost in Nigeria, we search for them. We do not haul those who declare things missing into padded walls. And God always helps us find all our missing things.

Koko: So, if a governor declares his state missing, he is not mad, mentally ill?

Kaka: Yes. He is fine. All his predecessors in the ‘missing things’ business are hale and hearty, all screws in place. You cannot single out governors as psychiatric patients. You set up a search committee and help them look for the missing state and then we continue living happily thereafter. That’s all.

Koko: Happily ever after when Biafrans are threatening to go and live somewhere else?

Kaka: They are not going anywhere, don’t mind them.

Koko: Is that a statement of fact or positive confession? With all the protests going on and the violence and detention of Nnamdi Kanu?

Kaka: Since those protests started, have you ever seen the notable ‘Biafrans’ from the East on the streets?

Koko: You mean the billionaires, the magnates?

Kaka: Yes, the men and women of timber and calibre, the Forbes Billionaires from the East. Have you seen the manufacturers from Nnewi, the exporters and importers from Onitsha and Aba, the Nollywood moneybags from Lagos and Enugu?

Koko:: Hmmn, it is true. Looks like the protesters are between age 20 and 35. Are you saying the big boys are not investing in the project?

Kaka: I’m saying I will only be frightened when I see those red-cap chiefs and the millionaires in their to-die-for automobiles on the streets. Right now, I’m not.

Koko: Right now I think we should call it a day before you put your foot in your mouth all the way up to the knee.

Credits: Funke Egbemode, Sunday Sun