I caught up with a relation recently. It was a disturbed man that I was talking to all through our time together. He’s been having issues with his wife. He attributes the sudden change in her attitude to the rich brother (overseas) whose word is LAW in his household. He said that nothing he brings home is enough again.
I told him that it could be just the regular husband and wife squabbles but his next words caught me off guard. He said “What about the children that she influences to become HOSTILE towards me each time we have issues?”
This broke my heart because these are children that this man NEVER jokes with. We used to joke that he takes care of children better than a female. They have been married for over 16 years now and the wife has never worked for one day since she came into the marriage.
Why is it so easy to forget all the sacrifices? A few days back, a commotion broke out in a house in the neighbourhood. People who intervened said that it was a fight between husband and wife. But what they found reprehensible is that the couple’s son (who is barely 11 years old) was hitting his father, also. It was also recalled that another neighbour has a teenage son (his oldest child) who “puts hand” to fight the father whenever his parents are quarreling.
Dear wives,
This should not be encouraged. When you encourage any vices in a child, it eventually gets out of hand and comes back to haunt you. Something happened when I was younger.
My father denied me a request (something I knew he could easily do, if he wanted to) and I became bitter about it. I made rude remarks about him to my mother.
What did my mother do? She discouraged me with these words “don’t say that again. Is he not your boyfriend again’’?
She may not have realised it but those words reminded me of the FRIEND that I have in my father but most importantly, the ROLE MODEL that I have in my mother.
The average Nigerian wife (home and abroad) is quick to use the children as a WEAPON against the other parent. But, once the mind of a child has been poisoned towards a parent (who loves them), something in the child becomes damaged.
They begin to look out there for “a home.” God help you if they end up in the wrong setting. Rubbishing the other parent doesn’t make a child grow closer to you because the average child sees both parents as ONE. So, if the faith they have in one is damaged, the faith they have in the other becomes affected too.
Please, think twice the next time you are tempted to deal with a spouse by turning the children against them. It is something in the child that you are BREAKING.
A parent is a god to a child. Let us develop the maturity to keep the children out of our issues.
When it comes to mummy and daddy, children know who is who. Let it not be taken for granted that their seeing you as a great parent can NOT be divorced from how you treat their other parent. Agreed that the times are brutal on marriages but as much as possible, KEEP THE CHILDREN OUT OF YOUR ISSUES. Resist the urge to diminish someone before a child that calls them “mummy or daddy.” It is the child that you are hurting more!
Parenting is NOT a competition to curry the children’s affection. Leave whatever relationship they share with the other parent intact, despite your differences. It’s a CUSHION to their mental health. When tempted to play dirty, always think of the child, to whom the other parent is a god.
Credit: Chukwuneta Oby