“The day that turned out to be my husband’s last day in this world started like any other day in our home. I was busy getting the children ready for school while he prepared for work. Right from when we became a part of each other’s life, we had the habit of saying goodbye with a kiss when each is leaving the other’s presence.
That’s what happened on this particular day…except that he actually got to the door but instead of heading out as usual, he came back to give me another kiss, in his usual playfulness. If I had known what the day held for us, I would have held him tighter and never let go! Some few hours after he left home, my maternal uncle arrived in our house.
That’s unusual but his excuse was that he just wanted to spend the day with me and the children. That had never happened before. But I thought nothing of it. By late afternoon, my parents (who live in a nearby state) also arrived …with a sad look on their faces. My mother, whose first port of call (whenever she visited) was usually my kitchen, where she opened my pots to see what I cooked, sat staring into space. When my husband’s elder sister also arrived, I knew something was wrong. My first reaction was to call my husband to ask if something happened to any member of our family but his phone was ringing right there in my sitting room…in the sister’s handbag! I can’t remember what led to the moment I felt everyone holding me. I was told that I passed out and was revived.
My husband whom I was calling had been dead (from a ghastly motor accident) and had already been deposited in the morgue for hours and that’s what our relations gathered to inform me. If you ask me to give an account of my life from that point to about two years after his demise, I won’t be able to because those days were rather blurry for me. However, a steady presence around the house was a younger colleague of my husbands. Before I knew what hit me, I began to look forward to his visits and my life began to revolve around him. Whatever efforts I made at looking good again was done with him in mind. Little did I know that I was entering into a different territory of emotional hell-fire. For two years of my life, that man was like an addiction.
His presence in my space turned me into someone I neither was nor liked to be. When he gave me attention, the earth became my heaven. When he withdrew it, I didn’t mind dying too.
My energetic soul felt drained by it all. Courage (that I still don’t know its source) came over me one day and I embarked on a sober reflection. I knew I wasn’t being loved right but fear of the unknown had a stronger hold on me. Who would love me (a widow with children) in a world that is crawling with nubile women? I am not even a rich widow!
After all, ’buying love’’ is also an option for women in this era. My addiction to this man was so bad that I had a habit of staying glued to my phone (in expectation of his reply to my numerous text messages to him) which are mostly ignored. On a day that he chooses to ‘’have mercy’, he would reply with an emoji. Otherwise, he ignored my chats completely for days! You can’t believe how much he body-shamed me for adding the weight that I was too consumed by grief to realize when it crept up on me.
The beauty, gorgeousness and substance that I see in me today are actually a rebellion against his unkind disposition towards my physical appearance. Couldn’t he have pointed out where I needed to sit-up kindly? For some strange reason, I never entertained the attention of other men. Deep down, I believed nobody would want “ a baggage” which was how he often referred to my reality. How didn’t he belittle and break my spirit? He damaged the person I was then but the woman I am today is as a result of walking away with plenty tears, enough grace and unending hope.’’
From Oby…Widowhood is just one of life’s unfortunate situations. It’s NOT any woman’s identity. More than anything, you deserve spaces that are considerate and dignifying to your emotions.
Don’t give room for realities that hold the remotest possibility that your dignity could be bruised. Guard your heart against being hungry for love or you will keep falling for all kinds of love out there. Be patient with life.
Credit: Chukwuneta Oby