“It was death that ended my first marriage. Although we were married for close to three years, we didn’t have any child because I miscarried twice. The last miscarriage happened exactly one month before my husband died in a ghastly motor accident.
To tell you the truth, my in-laws were still doting on me even after my husband died.
They made sure I lacked nothing. On my birthday, they called me and sent gifts (money).
It’s just that I was becoming very lonely and unhappy in that house. Although, I go to stay with my parents sometimes.
My husband’s elder sister was also inviting me to her house to spend time with her family.
I began to sense a change in my in-laws towards me after I told them that I was moving back to my father’s house.
It was his parents that I informed first and they asked me to come back by weekend and tell the whole family.
So, by that weekend, I did as they instructed me and informed the whole family that I was moving back to my parents’ house.
Do you know what one of their relations told me?
She said, ‘‘So, what we are hearing is true, that you are getting married to another man?’’
The man in question is related to one of my husband’s business partners, who actually introduced him to my family.
I didn’t just wake up one morning and began to desire another man.
People advised and begged me to try and move on with my life so that I can still have children now that age is still on my side.
It was after thinking about everything that I said ‘’yes’’ to the man’s marriage proposal.
My parents also like him because he is coming from a source that we trust. I stayed up to one year in my late husband’s house before moving back home. Before I finally accepted to remarry, I still went to my in-laws and explained everything to them and they responded to me nicely but they have been distant.
Another thing that is like a heavy burden on me is that, because my late husband’s relations are in my contact list on WhatsApp, I don’t get to celebrate my new husband or post his pictures as I had love to, because I would be feeling guilty or uncomfortable.
I always felt that it’s like rubbing their loss in their faces. Lately, I have been thinking about blocking all of them, though. I feel that I will feel free to live my life and have my peace when I do that.
Right now, it feels like they are monitoring my life.’’
From Oby …
What most of us have not accepted deep down is that DEATH ends most non-blood relationships.
You have every right to move on with your life when a spouse dies.
However, of utmost importance is the manner in which that is done.
In all you do in life, let EMPATHY (putting yourself in the other pair of shoes) guide you.
That ability to put ourselves in the other pair of shoes helps us to feel what the other is going through and enables us to understand more and judge less.
You are dealing with people who are still grappling with their loss. And a lot can easily trigger their sorrow.
How you move on from their space is through a gradual withdrawal. You don’t go away in a sudden move.
You may not know it but their seeing you gives them a certain consolation.
People just need time with certain experiences.
Unfortunately, people do not have to accord us such “understanding” with their time and life.
They have a life to live, too.
I don’t know if it’s the best to go straight into another marriage after mourning a late spouse…especially with someone you barely know.
It’s always wiser to take some time off. And heal your soul.
Travel (even if interstate) for a while…just to mentally detox.
Giving you a year or two to catch your breath shouldn’t be too much of a sacrifice for a suitor who means well.
As for your in-laws…
Don’t make an enemy that you do not have to. Tomorrow is a mystery! Keep cordial contact with them.
When there is a celebration in the family and they invite you, go and support them with your presence.
Once in a while, stop by to check on your former parents-in-law…even if it’s a loaf of bread that you can afford, buy it for them.
If life has brought you their way, there is a reason for that. You gained an angel with the demise of a spouse. Respect their memory by keeping a positive energy towards their loved ones.
Credit: Chukwuneta Oby