A woman who enjoys only rape…

A woman who enjoys only rape…

By Funke Egbemode

This is one country so many things happen at the same time. One minute you are clinking glasses over ceasefire agreement with Boko Haram and the next more girls are abducted and more towns are captured by Boko Haram. Ceasefire disappears in angry flames of fire as more villages get consumed. One minute our female football team is coast­ing home to championship victory and the next those who can’t kick a 50kobo hard rubber ball are throwing stones at the football glass house, brandishing court orders and threatening our only national football and collective happiness.

And then as I prepare an altar to summon all the gods of the land to place Olympic-size curse on all these spoilers, they all return to their senses and I have to dismantle the altar. And then one day the PDP has a speaker and the next the party is speechlessly ‘Speakerless’. Now policemen are caught in the salvos and angry crosshairs of a frustrated ruling party and a gloating opposition. Is this betrayal or political master stroke? How can you blame me if I’m dizzy and breathless from try­ing to keep up with so many things at the same time?

But all that don’t bother me as much as this talk of Muslim-Muslim ticket and how it will affect Nigeria’s unity and exis­tence. A Muslim president and a Muslim vice president is not good for our health, they said. The combination will tear what remains of our national fabric to shreds. It will wipe Nigeria off the surface of the earth. It will destroy our democracy. It will be the end of us, blah blah blah. Serious­ly? How did we get to this point, this sorry pass where politicians tell us what is sweet in our mouth and we believe them? How can anybody tell me I am overfed when I am still in full possession and custody of my stomach? How come it is only politi­cians who know what is good for us and we actually believe them, after all these years and what they have done to us?

I guess when the only kind of sex you have had is the one provided by a rapist, after some time you just might begin to think that is the only type of sex that exists. And a woman who enjoys only rape is a sick woman indeed and she most certainly needs help. Nigeria is that woman, that sick woman who thinks rape is synonymous with love-making. She has been raped so much for so long that her rapist is beginning to look like a hero. She needs help, urgent help. Every Nigerian who believes that Muslim-Muslim-ticket-is-dangerous-for-our-health rubbish needs help. I know some of us, raped-to-stupor folks, are warming up to insult me for in­sulting them. It is still part of the sickness. My people say the day a mad man realises he is sick in the head is the day he starts his journey to sanity. So, I understand those who are readying their weapons of mass assault. But I’ll make my points.

Let me start by saying that I am a Chris­tian who has no plan to become a Muslim. I have plenty of Muslim friends too. I also do not choose my friends based on where they worship on Friday or Sunday because my Bible and my pastors have established this fact; by their fruits, ye shall know them. A good man is a good man and a bad man is a bad man. So why should I befriend anybody bad just because he attends my church when I know he smokes and inhale designer evil things during the week?

Now, have you noticed that those who are playing the religion card are politicians who stand to gain plenty by and from who occupies certain positions and are likely to lose plenty if certain persons get into certain offices and positions?

Let’s look at it this way. When you need to fix your ‘tokunbo’ car, and you need a mechanic who knows his onions, do you ask if he’s a Muslim or a Christian? Let us assume your car is a brand new N25m Honda SUV and you need to service it, do you ask for a Muslim engineer when you get to the Honda Place or a Christian one or you simply insist that they do a good job? If your wife falls into labour and you get to the hospital and finds that the doctor and midwife on duty are Muslims and you are a Christian, I guess you can reject the Muslim-Muslim ticket and wait until the Muslim doctor and Christian nurses resume before you let anybody touch your wife. I don’t know any woman who goes to Mile 12 Market in Lagos to buy a basket of tomatoes and concerns herself not with the size and freshness of the tomatoes but the religion of the seller.

If your Christian driver has wrecked your Prado and almost killed your only son, do you keep him or kick him to the curb? And if you are a member of Latter Rain or RCCG and your driver is a Muslim you can trust with millions and the lives of your children he takes to and from school, if you sack him and employ the Christian driver who is a cer­tified wrecker of SUVs, shouldn’t we your friends haul you into a padded ward?

So where does religion fit into serious life and death decisions? This is a wrecked country that needs fixing. Some parts of it are already in the mechanic workshop and we surely need the right hands. We need a driver who will drive this Prado safely home, not wrap it around a tree. We need men and women who are sane to lead us. This country is in labour and who cares if the midwife is wearing hijab? In fact, this baby is lying in a breach position and unless we get the right midwife and doctor, we are likely to lose both mother and child.

This country needs public schools that work and lecturers that have the right tools and do not go on strike. Imagine a Nigeria where doctors do not watch patients die because we don’t treat them right. Imagine a country without Boko Haram, without violence and bloodshed. Imagine uninterrupted power supply. Do we really think where a governor or the President worships is what will deliver all those goodies, lead us to the promised land? Do you, really, sincerely think a visionary President and a passion­ate Vice President who worship in the same church should be our problem or a nation that finally takes its place in the comity of nations?

Look at Lagos. Look at those rail lines and fine train stations, do you think I’m worried about whether Governor Fasho­la’s successor is a Muslim or Christian or riding the mono rail to work? I want a governor who’ll surpass Alhaji Lateef Kayode Jakande’s housing projects. I want to go to work by train, never ever having to worry about LASTMA and VIOs. I want a safe Lagos. I want a governor who will make Fashola’s impressive record look like child’s play. I want a Lagos State University (LASU) that will have exchange students from Harvard and Yale.

We should do what is right for us, not what is right for politicians or what they think is right for us. Unless we are that sick woman who has been raped so many times she thinks her rapist is the ultimate stud.

Credit: The Sun