It is not how long a man stays on top of his wife that determines whether he will have twins or quadruplets. There are marathon men who make one baby per decade and there are two-minute men who make triplets twice in the same space of time. Some men are just more blessed than others, I guess. In other words, a man’s endowment ‘down there’ is indirectly proportionate to the measure of his ‘productivity’ at the end of nine months. The male homo sapiens generally has to depend on God to water his efforts after he has watered his field.
Let’s look at it from another angle. Pigs are one of the most prolific animals in the world. The male pig, called the boar, can get 12 piglets from one ‘venture’, which is why pig farming can be very lucrative. A quick research showed, according to a Master degree programme thesis, that ‘a boar’s orgasm lasts, on average 11-14 minutes. A long-lasting boar can go over 20 minutes total. Some stop ejaculating part-way through, dismount, and then jump back up shortly afterwards to finish up.’
Very interesting, you think? You are trying to picture 11-14 minutes of ecstasy, right? I imagine a lot of guys reading this thinking: what won’t I do to have a 14-minute orgasm. Ah, mennnnn!
Ok ok, let’s get out of bed, pleaseee because this is not about orgasms at all. It is about politics actually and totally about APC, the ruling party and Nigerians, the people over whom it rules.
I was controlling my thoughts about the length of time it has and may take the All Progressive Alliance to begin to produce result. I have fears about whether the party will make babies at all, least of all twins or triplets. Yes, the party has shown that it is not a two-minute man but it’s been on top of its woman for so long, longer than a boar and Nigerians are waiting with baited breath for evidence of virility. But I restrained myself from writing about the long queue outside the bedroom of the APC. I told myself it was still too early in the day to tell the ruling party that Nigerians were getting tired of listening to the moans, groans and grunts coming from the party’s bedroom. But I didn’t want to voice my fears and anxiety.
Lucky me, the Speaker of the House of Representatives, Mr. Yakubu Dogara, last Thursday spoke my mind. He said that it would be disastrous for the All Progressives Congress-led government to fail Nigerians. He reminded the ruling party, not like it needs the reminder, that Nigerians invested so much in the APC when they voted to dash the hope of the PDP to rule forever. I don’t know if Mr Speaker will agree with me on the analogy of the long orgasm not necessarily guaranteeing more babies but I’m sure Mr Dogara is a little worried too.
Now, I’m not one of those who are saying “Buhari has not done anything’, neither am I following the #this change has changed nothing. I just worry that if we don’t start knocking gently on the door of the man who is spending hours on his wife, he might forget that those who want the cry of a baby (or babies) are getting impatient.
Impatience, that is one attribute that Nigerians all share when it comes to governance and their leaders. We want our elected officers to hit the ground sprinting. We want ‘aksion’ governors and Presidents. We want things to happen now, not later. When Nigerians voted change, what they didn’t tell President Buhari and all his change agents is that their patience had already been taxed to the limit and so needed quick results.
The can of worms been opened right, left and center has its merits. For one, it is teaching all of us that there is a day called tomorrow and that for every action, there will be reaction, consequences and repercussion. I don’t like cans of worms, not just because I don’t like worms but because worms make people uncomfortable; whether it is earthworm or tape worm. And as we have all seen in the last few weeks, each can has unleashed embarrassing worms and we are all either embarrassed or embarrassed on behalf of others. How, for instance, are we supposed to feel after learning that a company collected N1.45bn for special prayers or that a hospital ‘took delivery’ of N750m for another batch or round of prayers? I simply can’t find the adequate adjectives for these worms crawling all over the place. And then what does it mean to have N13.7bn ‘agreement? I’m lost, exasperated and fully feeling punching somebody.
Unfortunately, in spite of the lessons learnt from these negative revelations, Nigerians are still hungry, for food and for performance. And deworming a worm-infested person is not a solution to hunger.
State governments want to shrink minimum wage. Governors want to shrink number of higher institutions and government agencies. Some have already shrunk the number of ministries to reduce the number of commissioners. You do not need a degree from Harvard to know there will be job losses next year. Already conglomerates are shrinking their workforce. It’s like this is the season of shrinking. We are all shrinking away and very soon we will need shrinks to stay sane.
So, the APC needs to do something about i t s shrinking image. We know our leaders are doing many things behind closed doors but we need results. Yes, the hen is dancing with all her might but the feathers do not allow the spectators to see it. And we need to see to believe. That a woman is not pregnant does not mean she is not doing her conjugal duties but if she is not pregnant, she is not pregnant! Only a protruding tummy justifies what a couple has achieved in secret.
There are quick fixes and quick wins. There are short-term projects that will calm frayed nerves. There are things that will convince Nigerians that they didn’t buy the wrong shares, that the wife they married is fruitful. The APC as a man must round off what he is doing on top of his woman and give Nigerians results that they can see, feel and touch. Nigerians are beginning to wonder why it is taking so long for this man to impregnate his wife.
Credits: Funke Egbemode, The Sun
I like your writing style, and I share your views. More grease to your elbow.