2015: What kind of husband were you? By Funke Egbemode

My plan was to write about my expectations in 2016 but I’m still finding it pretty difficult to con­ceive nice things about this economy. Why can’t people use their cards abroad? Why do our teen­age children have to go hungry in Europe because we can’t send them money for their rent and food? And add that to unpaid salaries. Ah, let’s look at our husbands and rate their manhood in 2015. Noooo, not manhood the way your NAFDAC number-less mind is thinking o. Let each man also score himself on a scale of 1 to 10 and truthfully tell himself what kind of husband he was in 2015?

Part-time Husband

All through 2015, he did not attend one single PTA (Parents and Teachers Association) meeting. In fact, he was an unwilling party in the only visiting day to his daughter’s school. He is sooo busy mak­ing money he doesn’t even know what the money is being spent on. The discipline of the children is to­tally his wife’s business. So, he doesn’t know that his son was suspended this year or that his twin daugh­ters are already on birth control pills because they are into boys so early their mum had to do the need­ful to save their 46-year-old father from becoming a premature grandfather. He doesn’t know why his wife sacked the houseboy or why one of the SUVs is looking brighter than the others. His son took the car for a spin and drove it through an unopened gate. He simply doesn’t know anything apart from his end­less meetings, at home and abroad. He was stopped at the gate to his building site and only allowed in when the artisans called ‘Madam’ for clearance. Yeah, it is that bad. He is all about the money, noth­ing else. He’s neither a real daddy nor a real father, just a total money-making machine.

Married Gigolo

His wife is from a rich family or has a great job or both. So, he’s comfortable and has thus abdicated his God-given throne for his wife. Why should he sweat when his wife can pick all the bills? He simply let her do everything. Well, maybe not everything. He brings home suya and ice cream regularly. He buys his wife valentine gifts and never forgets her birth­day. But the real bills are his wife’s business. Oh, and don’t you go thinking it is because he is unem­ployed or his business is not doing well. Nope. He makes good money too, maybe not as much as his wife but he is not financially incapacitated. He just doesn’t see why he should stress himself when his wife’s job comes with an annual holiday package and his father-in-law owns a great school. See? This dude is lucky. Problem is every time I think of his attitude, all that comes to my mind is ‘mar­ried gigolo’.

Everybody’s Husband

This man is so totally male he has to spread the news of his manhood everywhere, from coast to coast. So early in life and too early for his own good, he was told he’s a wonder in bed, add that to his good looks and he convinced himself that he’s God’s gift to womanity. He is so full of his maleness he thinks it will be a disservice if he does not do his thing everywhere. The result is he is now so addicted to this national service that shame is no longer in his dictionary. Twice he has impregnated his house-helps and the shame was indescribable. These days, his wife takes elderly women as house-keepers. But did that stop him? No such luck. He simply moved further down the road to one of the salesgirls in the neighbourhood supermarket. When he got caught, he relocated to his office, where he currently is doing his secretary all kind favours during and after office hours. His wife is in pains but she is still there.

Sick, insecure Husband

The insecure husband is a sick man and he hates to acknowledge it to himself and if you tell him he needs help, he flips. But he actually is sick. He is suffering from a combination of inferiority complex and a bad case of persecution complex. That his wife is successful, for instance, gives him ulcers. That she has to work long hours and he gets home before 7pm is a major headache for him. So he devices ways to make her unhappy. He hangs out with his friends late, rejects meals on flimsy excuses and embarrasses her subtly or openly in publicly. I once sat at a table with a couple where the husband kept talking about women who think they are something special just because they have great jobs and drive brand new cars when indeed they not real women. Each time someone tried to change the subject, he redirected the conversation back to high flying women whose sources of suc­cess are questionable and how he thought most of them slept their up the ladder of success. His wife just sat there staring into her wine glass, very embarrassed. She was AGM of a new generation bank.

Men in this category also unleash their sickness on their wives with open and clenched fists. These are the wife beaters. They do not leave things at emotional abuse, they believe that a woman must be shown who is boss and they do that by knock­ing a few teeth out of the mouths of their wives.

So, my dear guys, how sick are you?

The Commander-in-chief

Everybody is afraid of him, his wife, his chil­dren, even his mum has to watch his mood before asking him how his business is doing. He does not share his room. He goes to church or to func­tions in a separate car. His wife and children can go together. Everybody ‘maintains’ their side and are of good behaviour when he’s around. Once he travels, the atmosphere is good. He tells his wife what he decides in his wisdom she deserves to now. He decides when she should ‘visit’ his room. He builds houses, buys cars, chooses the children’s schools without consulting his wife. He’s the alpha and omega and even his pastor can’t tell him what to do. It’s like in his ‘past life’, he was dealt a bad hand by life and this is his chance to show that he’s A MAN, he who must not be questioned.

Husband of the Year

Thank God for this man. He’s comfortable in his own skin. That he was well brought up is not in doubt. He needs no validation to prove his manhood. He prays with his family as often as he can though he is very busy. He travels a lot and his home misses him. When he’s around, he takes his children to school, helps them with home work and watches African Magic with his wife. He consults his wife on everything ex­cept on gifts he wants to surprise her with. He supports his wife’s career and corrects her with wisdom. He’s not a saint but he never strays far from home. No matter how much he is into a girlfriend, his family still comes first and the ulti­mate respect is for his wife. If he does something wrong, he apologises, knowing ‘sorry’ does not take away from a real man’s manhood.

He is a provider in every sense of the word. His wife is not in doubt about who the head of the family is, yet he neither physically nor emo­tionally abuse her. If she has to pick more bills for the family at any point in time, she feels hon­oured to do it because she knows her husband was always there, up and doing. Above all, he gives his best in bed, leaving her satisfied and sleeping soundly. Even the people in her office notice the twinkle in her eyes, the spring in her steps, the glow in her cheeks that’s got nothing to do with make-up, on certain mornings. She tells him what she wants and he gives her full unadul­terated dose.

So, what kind of husband were you last year? Do you intend to polish your act this year and do better, in a good way, that is, in 2016?

May 2016 make our men better husbands than they were in 2015.

COMING SOON: What kind of wife are you?

Credits: Funke Egbemode, Sunday Sun.