Marriages – especially those of celebrities – seem to be crashing faster these days than before. Couples thought to be happy suddenly announce separation or divorce. Outrageous stories start flying around about their marriage. People are shocked that such a seemingly happy couple, who regularly posted videos, photos and stories of marital bliss, could have undergone such unimaginable experiences in each other’s hands.
But there is nothing shocking about such occurrences. The couple only continued to endure each other’s shortcomings or continued to fear what the public would say, until they reached the tipping point. It is rare to see any marriage that crashed as a result of traits that suddenly manifested after marriage. During courtship, couples see these traits that eventually lead to unhappiness and eventual divorce. But they are usually optimistic that their spouse would change or that they would make their spouse change through showing them love and care, or leading by example and guidance. In reality, people rarely change. They simply get worse as the years roll by and the marriage gets older.
Therefore, the easiest time to prevent a divorce or an unhappy marriage is before marriage. There is no gainsaying that love can have such an intoxicating effect on the about-to-wed which makes clear danger signals seem inconsequential to them, while hope becomes the only commodity. After all, is it not said that love conquers all? Great! But what type of love is meant there? Agape or eros?
There are traits that some people cannot drop. It is like hoping that a right-handed spouse will one day become left-handed: a classic case of waiting for Godot!
If you are searching for a wife or a husband, please be wary of these sets of people.
Those who can never apologise: They would hurt you, annoy you, disappoint you, but would never apologise, because they believe that it would belittle and demean them. They would rather die than say to their spouse: “I’m sorry.” When you are wrong, you apologise to them, and when you are right, you still apologise to them, hoping that they would learn and change. But they never do. You start to feel irritated and agitated. The love and respect you felt for them start to wear away.
Those who can never say ‘thank you’: Whatever you do for them, they are never grateful. “Why should I say ‘thank you’ when you are just doing your duty?” Some would say that their gratitude is in their heart. If you want the gratitude, maybe you have to open their heart to get it? Such an attitude causes irritation and frustration and unhappiness. Sadly, those who find it hard to appreciate usually find it easy to excoriate. And it is worse when such people don’t just criticise the offence but the person. Such people also believe the world owes them a lot. They go about with an entitlement mentality. They are difficult to please.
Those who have excessive libido or low libido: Sexual Intercourse is a very important factor in marriage, but when you have a spouse that needs it for breakfast, lunch and supper, it is difficult to have any peace in the family. If the other partner does not have the same level of libido, infidelity lurks around the marriage. Conversely, when you have a spouse that hates sex or has very low libido, there is always some form of frustration and irritation in that marriage. Infidelity is also a possibility.
Men who think women are to be seen but not heard: Some men still live in the 17th century, in spite of the depth of education they profess. It is true that marriage is not a zone for feminist crusade, but if a man has archaic views about women, then please avoid him like the Ebola virus. Watch out for statements like: “How can an ordinary woman want to be the CEO?” “How can a woman chat with men?”
Women who believe they don’t need a man in their life: Such women believe that they are self-sufficient in all things. They have the I-don’t-give-a-damn attitude. Men feel ill at ease when they are with women who don’t allow a room in their lives for a man to fill. Such women find it difficult to express love. They fly into quarrels easily. This creates frustration and conflicts.
Men who are looking for housemaids, not wives: These are men who still live in the 15th century. They have an archaic idea of what the role of wives is. They believe that women are only meant to cook, clean the house, bear children, and serve the men.
They believe that when a man talks, the woman must just obey. The man can keep mistresses, but the woman should keep quiet and not even be seen greeting a man. A woman should not work, should not step out of the house, and should not complain whatever the man doles out to her.
Those who can never trust anybody: These are those who believe that everybody is an enemy with evil intentions. They have an obsession with fear of people, including their spouse, that is irritating. Once a spouse cannot be trusted, there can never be joy in the family.
Those who have no respect for others: People can mouth love, but without respect, a marriage can never be happy. Women who love to prove a point by insulting their husbands, or men who believe in treating their wives like their door mat in the name of cutting their wives to size: such people make terrible marriage partners.
Women who see all men as competition that must not be given an inch: Marriage is not a place for activism. A woman who sees a man as a competitor rather than a complement is a dangerous person to marry. When a man has to contend with a woman every minute, when a man is always too conscious of what to say or do to his wife, then there is a problem.
Those who can’t control their temper: Hot-tempered people are dangerous. They can say or do anything in anger. They can be violent. Their words can be venomous. Afterwards, they are filled with regrets, but the harm has already been done.
Those who cannot forgive: Forgiveness makes us look superhuman. But there are those who cannot forgive, no matter the circumstances or the apologies. Not only can they not forgive, they can also not forget. Because they can’t forgive, they usually think of how to get revenge.
Those who have not been weaned by their parents: Age has little to do with maturity in marriage. Those who have not been “weaned” by their parents make poor marriage partners. They are full of “Mummy said,” Daddy said.” They take every family discussion to their parents. They cannot do anything unless their parents approve. They allow their parents to run their homes in the name of showing respect.
Those who are tied to the apron strings of their parents make tasteless marriage partners. Such spouses are a constant source of frustration and sadness. In their eyes, you will always be wrong. You will always be vilified.
In summary, although marriage is not a bed of roses and there is nobody without some faults or idiosyncrasies, it is foolhardy to walk into a landmine with one’s eyes open, praying and hoping that the explosive would not go off. To avoid heartache, don’t allow blind love or desperation to get married push you into a marriage with someone who will cause you nothing but pain, sadness, and sorrow.
Credit: Azuka Onwuka